Monday, March 23, 2015

Flawed but not without hope

One of my favorite sayings used to be "I'm hopelessly flawed."  In fact I used it just the other day.  I liked to think it meant I was imperfect and could really do nothing about it.  But I've done "nothing about it" for quite some time.  I've found myself in a very deep rut, where I perform my daily activities in such a routine way that I could do it all in my sleep.  But there is no joy in doing so.  As a result, my life has been very much the same for several years now.
I felt compelled to share this because it helps explain my absence in my blog, my lack of direction and lack of posts as a result. Somehow along the way, I've lost my way and very much lost myself.  I'm not so sure what makes me tick, what makes me hum anymore.  I have found it difficult to find joy or get excited about much of anything.
But today, after doing some reading and thinking (something I try to avoid..haha) I came to realize I'm not hopelessly flawed.  I have hope, even if it is in small doses and harder to find some days. 
I feel like I just woke up from a very long nap and know that I have to get up from it.  I just don't have a plan anymore and find it easier to stay still for a little while longer.  But while I'm still, I do know that I have to move forward.  There is no other way. Now I just have to find the way.
On the plus side, today is a day with hope.  I was finally able to talk to someone about where I am in my life and she helped me see that I do have power to take control of some things and that gives me more hope than you could possibly imagine.
My hope has always been there, I just have to dig for it and work at it more than I used to.
I now have a little more insight and am able to formulate more of a plan for myself.  (I can do nothing without formulating a plan, researching it, analyzing it, then dissecting my plan will be quite the process.)
Now my new favorite saying is that I'm perfectly imperfect.  I have imperfection down to an art.  But instead of letting my imperfection and the regret, then the weight it results in pull me down, I've decided to fight.  I have the power to change things.
And I will.
One.little. step. at. a. time.

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