One of my favorite sayings used to be "I'm hopelessly flawed." In fact I used it just the other day. I liked to think it meant I was imperfect and could really do nothing about it. But I've done "nothing about it" for quite some time. I've found myself in a very deep rut, where I perform my daily activities in such a routine way that I could do it all in my sleep. But there is no joy in doing so. As a result, my life has been very much the same for several years now.
I felt compelled to share this because it helps explain my absence in my blog, my lack of direction and lack of posts as a result. Somehow along the way, I've lost my way and very much lost myself. I'm not so sure what makes me tick, what makes me hum anymore. I have found it difficult to find joy or get excited about much of anything.
But today, after doing some reading and thinking (something I try to avoid..haha) I came to realize I'm not hopelessly flawed. I have hope, even if it is in small doses and harder to find some days.
I feel like I just woke up from a very long nap and know that I have to get up from it. I just don't have a plan anymore and find it easier to stay still for a little while longer. But while I'm still, I do know that I have to move forward. There is no other way. Now I just have to find the way.
On the plus side, today is a day with hope. I was finally able to talk to someone about where I am in my life and she helped me see that I do have power to take control of some things and that gives me more hope than you could possibly imagine.
My hope has always been there, I just have to dig for it and work at it more than I used to.
I now have a little more insight and am able to formulate more of a plan for myself. (I can do nothing without formulating a plan, researching it, analyzing it, then dissecting it...so my plan will be quite the process.)
Now my new favorite saying is that I'm perfectly imperfect. I have imperfection down to an art. But instead of letting my imperfection and the regret, then the weight it results in pull me down, I've decided to fight. I have the power to change things.
And I will.
One.little. step. at. a. time.